Wednesday, June 19, 2013

WORK at Home Mom?

I am a working mom, which means that the majority of the days of the week, I am outside of the house being a busy worker bee. Of course, having a job, a husband, two kids and a dog wasn't enough, so on top of my "day job" I also have a side business which I run from my home (and my illustrious blogging career, of course). My side business is one of those kinds of jobs where I have to pay attention to details and really concentrate-- no "phoning it in" like I do in most of the other areas of my life. In other words, I need peace and quiet and time to focus.

Now let me clue you into something else. I'd say a good 95% of the time I'm with my boys, they ignore me. I talk, they barely register that I'm speaking. I walk into a room and they hardly notice. So you'd think I could get a shit-ton of work done while they happily destroy the house, right?

HA! I say. HA!
The MINUTE, and I mean down to the very second I fire up the lap top, they are drawn to me like moths to a flame.

Case in point:

This photo was taken on a recent Saturday morning. It is me sitting in my office trying to work (I'm the ear and hair). You see, the boys were settled into the couch, happily watching the electric babysitter and eating dry cereal, so I thought to myself "hey self, this is the perfect time to go in the office and get some work done." No sooner had I started to work than the boys were in my office messing with stuff, asking questions, and fighting.

Even now, as I write this blog post I am interrupted every 10 seconds. In fact, this is the conversation I just had with my snorkel clad 5 year old:

B: "Mommy, are you done with all your phone calls? Could we call all my friends in the whole wide world? When are you gonna be DOOOOOOONE? This is so boring!!!!"

ME: "You know what kiddo, I would be done a whole lot sooner if you would QUIT INTERRUPTING ME!!!" is what I think while giving a much more PC response of "Soon, buddy. Why don't you go do blah blah blah in the playroom"

B: "That's boring"

ME: YOU'RE boring. (yes. I really said that. And yes, it was int the accusatory tone of a 4th grader). Go play in the play room.

B gave the huge "why have I been challenged with this mother" sigh and left.

And is now demanding that I come to the playroom to help him with something.

Lord help ME!

So, I've resigned myself to coffee & late nights and early mornings, just to make some extra money that I will then spend on frivolities... Like dental bills and soccer cleats.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Float Like A Butterfly...

A few weeks ago, I discovered that Mike Tyson works out at the same gym as me.  Coincidentally, my 2-year-old, G, started hitting that same day.  Naturally, I assume the two are somehow related.  He hits friends, family, and foe alike.  If he is happy, he hits.  Sad, he hits. Mad, he hits hard.  Playing, he hits with a toy.  Eating, he hits with food.  Spotting a trend here?

We tried saying "No." He hit us.  We tried taking away his toys.  He hit us.  We tried crying.  He hit us and laughed.  We tried saying "Ouch".  He hit us in a different spot.  We tried flicking his hands.  He hit us and cried.  So now we are on the timeout tract.  He has a bench he has to sit on and it is somewhat working.  By working, I mean, he is far enough that he can't reach us to hit us.  He spends a lot of time on that bench.

Luckily, we live in Vegas and MMA is big here.  Thanks a lot Tyson!


Wednesday, May 22, 2013

I Dreamed a Dream

I have a fantasy.

I dream that someday I will have a bathroom all my own. A just for mommy bathroom that smells like lavendar and is practically sterile in its cleanliness.

And its toilet seat? Oh that thing will be pee free.

It will be a bathroom where I can sit on the toilet and NEVER have the horrifying realization that my butt is suddenly damp.

The walls and floor will be pee free (we're potty training and L's stream seems to arc upward, even when his winkle is pointed down). There will be no vague smell of stale urine, despite frequent scrubbing of all walls and floor with cleanser.

I wouldn't care if it was a toilet in the closet. I just want to know that when I go in to heed the call of nature, I won't be forced to smell and/or sit in somone else's pee.

Is that too much to ask?

Pissed off Because I'm Sitting in Someone Else's Pee,

Monday, May 20, 2013

Commit to the Carry...Or Else!

"I'm sure it's just a phase..." says every mom.

At the moment, we are in the "Carry Me Everywhere" phase.  G wants to be held when walking to and from the car, walking into any sort of retail setting, and mostly anytime he realizes his feet are on the ground.  But God forbid I should try to alleviate some of the weight being lugged around by my left arm.

Example: Entering Target to pick up some much needed "stuff": Upon entering the store, I asked G if he would like to push the cart or ride with his brother.  Neither option was acceptable and he began screaming "up there" which is G code for "carry me."

Instead of having a repeat of "The Great Smith's Incident" when I watched an almost 2-year-old G throw himself on the ground and scream in the most epic breakdown I have ever had the pleasure of being the mom of, I picked him up.

As I was wandering through Target, I randomly leaned my left arm on the handle of the cart, at which time, G grabbed my shirt and pulled himself back towards my collarbone.  When I removed my arm from the handle, he relaxed and let go; content to be carried.  A few moments later, I leaned my left arm again, and again he pulled himself back towards my collar bone.  Thinking it was just a fluke, I tried the same trick at Trader Joe's the next day and got the same results.  At home, I tried leaning on the kitchen island, and again with the grabbing my shirt and pulling.

And then it dawned on me...I wasn't Committing to the Carry.  How dare I pick him up and drag him all over the place and not truly commit to his full 26 pounds for extended periods of time?  How dare I try to alleviate the shaking in my elbow, the ache of my wrist and the wear and tear on my shoulder?  What kind of selfish monster am I anyway?


Interjection by Charlie: Ugh! I know all about "Commit to the Carry!" When B was 2, he went through a horrible Commit to the Carry phase-- so terrible that I made my mother-in-law sew me a giant toddler sized sling. Yup, you read that right, I once lugged my fully capable of walking 2 year old around stores and airports in a sling, like some patchouli smelling hippie.

Friday, May 17, 2013

Dear Mommy & Me Moms

Dear Mommy and Me Swimming Class Mom--
Don't frickin' wear a tiny bikini to class. We get it. You are hot and probably worked hard to get back in shape post-partum. Brava! Go you! However, the majority of us are still a bit squodgy and lumpy with baby weight (is it still "baby weight" two years later?). You're just making us look bad. Please invest in a tankini and save the bikini for the fabulous tropical vacation I imagine you go on every year.

With your trainer.

His name is D'Angelo. He's 22.


Mama C

Thursday, May 16, 2013

The Packing List of a 5-Year-Old

My little sister Tia just had a BABY!!  We are flying to Chicago to meet my new niece/nephew towards the end of the month, so  imagine my surprise when, a few weeks ago, Lil' J woke me up at the crack of dawn one morning to let me know he was packed, 4 weeks early, for our trip.  When I asked him what he had put together, this is the list I was given: 

  • blankie
  • a silver dubloon
  • Hook
  • Best Word Book Ever
  • a telescope
  • his toothbrush
  • an apple
  • Spidey flip flops
I can't imagine what else we might need...but I suppose I can just buy it when we get there. 


P.S. I would like to give Target a shout-out for their low prices and convenient locations nationwide.  

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Pinterest Has Ruined Birthday Parties

Remember when you were a kid and you'd have your birthday party? You usually had a blast, running around the yard with your friends, your mom made some watered down Kool-Aid or Hawaiian Punch, you ate hot dogs with some plain potato chips for lunch, and then out came your cake-- probably something your mom made (with the help of Betty Crocker) or a grocery store bakery cake with the requisite frosting roses. Decorations were some crepe paper streamers, a paper table cloth emblazoned with HAPPY BIRTHDAY and that same HAPPY BIRTHDAY banner that your parents busted out for every birthday for every person in your family.  Planned activities, if there were any, were along the lines of a 3-legged or potato sack race.

And your party was AWESOME, right?

But now thanks in large part to Pinterest, the pressure is on to create birthday parties worthy of a 4 page spread in Martha Stewart Living. Over the top theme parties are no longer the realm of the Candy Spellings of the world, oh nooooo, now all us regular moms have to throw them too. And then blog about that shit.

According to my vast Pinterest research, I have learned that every party needs:
  • A "treats" table, covered in at least 15 yards of fabric you purchased just for the party (but no worries, you're so crafty you'll just turn that fabric into commemorative wall art and throw pillows that your child will treasure for always). Behind the treats table, you must also have a backdrop of some kind (though it must include a pennant banner with your child's name on it). On the table you must have no less that 28 types of sweet treats, all labelled with adorable thematic name cards-- You may not call them "malt balls" you must call them "Miska, Mooska, Malted Balls." Items on this table must be on antique cake stands at varying levels for maximum appeal.
  • You must provide not only cake, but also cake pops, and cupcakes. All of these items must be thematic and gluten free. Preferably from a fancy-schmancy bakery.
  • A totes adorbs chalkboard menu of all the thematic foods (so Hot Diggity Dogs and Mickey Mouse Club Sandwiches). This menu MUST look as though a professional chalk artist created it. Bonus points if the frame of the chalkboard is made of vintage barn wood that's paint has been distressed and matches the color scheme of the party.
  • Did I mention color scheme? Yup, your party needs that. You may NOT use anything that does not fit within the color scheme
  • At LEAST 12 crafts/activity stations. There should be a lot of hand-crafting, such as needlepoint or origami going on here. Perhaps think about renting a loom. What's that? You're getting a bounce house? Wow. Way to not commit to the party. It is like you don't even love your child!
  • Personalized treat bags and party hats (No paper. These should be authentic mickey mouse ears from Disneyland) for each guest. The treat bags should be linen and hand embroidered with each guest's name.
  • A kid's table decorated with all the thematic crap you can imagine. This should NEVER just be your family patio table and/or dining table. It should be a kid sized table and chairs rented specifically for this occasion. You should have several glass items and as much "authentic" memorabilia as possible.
  • The birthday child's name should show up no less than 4,000 times. Because your job as a parent is to ensure your child grows up to be a narcissist.
  • Actual flatware, glassware and china. Because nothing says "fun three year old's party" like toddlers and breakable dishes!
This list is in no way comprehensive, but it gives a good idea of what we're dealing with in the realm of party planning for our kids. Pinterest has ruined birthday parties forever...

Pinterestingly yours,
Charlie "phoning it in and getting a bounce house" Egan

PS-- Just found a pin about dressing up your band aids with washi tape. File that under "are you shitting me?" They make decorated band aids. I know, because I have 4 boxes of them in my linen closet.